Thursday, 5 June 2014

"You're just an analogue guy in a digital world aren't you?"

So I haven't been blogging in a long time - apologies readers!

This post contains spoilers from Castle - read ahead if you've watched the latest season, if not, avoid the rest of this post after the jump. 

I started watching Californication. That show is crazy. Thankfully we have a new and awesome flatmate who has the entire set on his computer, so I started at Season One and I'm watching like mad. I know that TV is currently showing Season 7? So I have a lot to catch up on! The characters remind me of the show Castle a bit, like Hank has an ex whom with he has a daughter. Hank doesn't live with his mother though, so there is that.

I've come to realise just how much my own well being influences just 'everything' in my life; from how I'm dressing, acting, eating, just everything.

I realised that I've started having really bad problems with my mental health again, I thought this stuff was well and truly over, but it's back. So I have to start again - seeing a therapist and getting some help. I saw my doctor and she tells me it's mild. The past, I don't know, 6 months at least, I haven't been my most confident. I've been more introverted. Nervous. Shy. Scared of the world. Been more likely to stay home alone, rather than somewhere I know there will be other people. To the point I don't like going out, if I could help it. I'm not so bad. I can go places - alone or with Dan. I did. I do. I went to the mall a while ago. The mall. Where I'd been scared to go alone since 2009 when I first moved to Wellington. Queensgate, in Lower Hutt. I was meant to meet up with a girl friend but she had something pop up at the last minute and couldn't come with me, so I'd already had it in my head to go. So I did. And I'm happy I did. I bought myself new trousers. I went there and back, alone, on the bus.

I can do things. I just need to find my self confidence again. Say hi to that girl I knew who was friendly and smiled to strangers. Not this lady I am now.
Anxiety and Depression make me do things I wouldn't normally. Being scared of going on a bus 20 minutes out of town to a mall. To go shopping alone. That has confidence written all over it.

So why do I feel like I am not confident and happy now? I don't know. I am hoping I can find out; With the help of my therapist of course.

Thankful to have found support in Facebook groups from people going through this stuff too. Their stories, advice and wisdom have helped a lot so far. Without them, I don't think I would have been confident enough to admit to my doctor that yes, I need help. Yes I would like to talk to a therapist. Yes, I would like to learn some coping techniques.

Does that mean I'm completely bonkers and should be locked up in an asylum? No way. I just need a little guidance.
One step forward, two steps back.
Maybe writing more often on my blog will also get some thoughts to paper (so to speak) and help clear my mind.

 Time heals all wounds it seems. Although the past 7 years have taught me that time heals, just not as quickly as one would think.

Castle ended on TV, and I was left crying from the usual cliff hanger ending that Marlowe and the writers seem to taunt us with every season finale. This time? Is Castle dead? Will Caskett even get married? What about Martha and Alexis - how will they go on without Castle??

So many questions. One thing is certain: Castle can't die, or byebye show.